Sorrow unrelenting

How can I describe the pain in my soul. Most of you who read this will not understand how I feel, but you will and when you do talk to me because I will be there for you. For those of you who don't know I was in a car accident this summer and my dad has been paralyzed from the chest down. Thankfully he is not dead, but the impact is still there. At the moment most of my peers don't realize that their parents will get old. Well they realize it but honestly we don't have a good grasp on it. I never really got it too until after the accident. When I think of my dad it is always with him being healthy both in body and mind. Even now it is hard for me to think of him as paralyzed. Honestly that pierces my heart every time i think about it. That my father will never be able to do so many things that he once enjoyed makes my eyes water. But the worse part is that he lost some of his memory because of the surgery. Pretty much it feels like my father has become 20 years older in a matter of months and my mind is unable to handle it. My mental picture of my dad has always been of walking through the city with him or of him holding me on his shoulders carrying me somewhere. And it is so hard for me to think that he won't be able to do that anymore. Then there is the memory loss. I always hoped that my parents would remain mentally stable. I'm sure most of your grandparents are able to talk normally and can hold a conversation, but a few of you probably know some who aren't able to do so. To have your parents like that is one of the hardest things you can ever go through. My father was smart. He went through med school and was a practicing doctor for most of his life. But now to think of him as someone who see's things that aren't there and talk nonsense is like taking a punch in the face. I pray that none of you will ever have to go through what I am going through right now, but statistically at least a few of you will. At that time know that I'll be there if you need it.

Living the Now

The heart is a strange thing. Think about it. How is it possible that a single thing can both love and hate with its entire being. How is it that our emotions are able to vary to such degrees that we have the abilty to love and hate? We can even do both to the same person. At times we can love someone with our whole heart and in an instance that person can hurt us so much that we automatically hate them. Strange. But the thing that I am thinking about is the small degrees of change that our hearts go through. A husband or wife for example. At the altar you can swear that you will love and cherish that person for the rest of your life, yet look at all the affairs that go on in todays society. Where does that love go for surely at the point of their joining they must have loved each other. And you think to yourself, "if a husband and wife can't do it how can I, just a normal boyfriend/girlfriend stay true to my significant other?" The answer is to live the now. The past are memories. The future dreams. Live for the Now. I don't mean to think the world is ending tomorrow so you should get all the sex you can before the end, nor do I mean that you should forget that important person in your life and get a new one every week. What I mean is that you shouldn't think about the bad things that have happened between you and your other and dwell upon them; nor should you look to the future and hope that someone else will come along that is better than who you're with now. Now you are with a person that cares for you. Don't even think that there might be someone better for you out there because that is just going to lead to the downfall of your relationship. Keep your eyes focused on the one you're with now and hold tight. Through thick or thin. And if it doesn't work out, well at least you'll know it wasn't because you didn't try hard enough, which should be gratification in itself. Life is lived in the Now: no one knows that there will be another day tomorrow, they don't know they won't get hit by a car, or that Jesus won't appear and snatch their closes friends from them. So look around you and gather those you have with you now and cherish them. They are what you have now and if you love them and try hard enough they will be what you have in the future as well. Don't give some shit excuse like "well they won't try as hard as me." That has nothing to do with you and what you will be, so live life for those around you and love those that live it with you.