Stupidity, Sadness, and Sorrow

How can anyone say that the one thing that they do not want to be is their parents? Isn't that a totally contradictory thought to what most people believe. So why is it that I feel this way? I guess its not so much of a thing that I don't want to be them, because I have a lot of respect for them. But at the same time I do not want to make their mistakes. And it just seems like I have been making those mistakes whether I want to or not. My parents downfall is the thing that hurt me the most and I promised myself more than a hundred times I wouldn't do the same thing. But I was wrong. I was stupid and foolish to think that the world did not apply to me. To think that I could be above the world and live outside of it. How can a man ever aspire to live as a God? And it hurts me when I fall. The problem is is that it doesn't just hurt me, but it also hurts the ones I care about too. It hurts me to say that I lied, I cheated, and I hurt someone. I who have always striven to be the stronger man have fallen just as so many before me have as well. The shame I feel in my heart is nothing in comparison to the hurt that I have done to others, and how can I ever rebuild that trust. Everytime I look into their eyes I will see myself falling. The trust that I had so casually broken and thrown away I now long for more than ever and I realize how valuable it is. My heart is torn at the things that I have done and with my entire soul I beg for forgiveness and I repent for all that I have done. How can I lay my heart out anymore and show them the pain that is inside me. How can I expect them to trust me when I no longer trust myself. Just once let me take back the past and forever change the future, but of course this isn't possible. So I must try to pick up the fragile pieces of love that litter the floor; and hold them, hoping that one day they may be made whole once more.

--MC ~in the darkness of my heart~

L.O.V.E.

In the greek language there are several terms for what we have have compressed into a one. How have we, who are so advanced, compressed so many different emotions into one word? Is it possible to explain the feelings we feel for one another with one word. Or is it inadequate and have we just devolved into cavemen on the subject of love. Love is in all of us and we are all capable of loving someone. Whether it be a family member, a close friend, or a lover we were made with the capacity to love. But what does it mean to love? Especially in the context of a significant other? I believe that to love someone of the opposite sex it means that you must be 'L'oyal. If you love someone you should be able to give up everything for that person. When things get rough you shouldn't be ready to abandon that person and jump ship. No, the test of love is not being able to take a bullet for that person. The test is being able to stay with that person for the rest of your life. You should be able to 'O'verlook all that he/she has done to offend you. You shouldn't be looking at that person and staring at his/her flaws. You should be able to go through life knowing that everyone makes mistakes, but it is the fact that he/she isn't looking to intentionally hurt you. In love you must always be willing to forgive for these mistakes because you always see the ones that affect you, but you also always miss the ones that you do to them. In love there must always be 'V'erities. The eternal truth and unbroken law that should be upheld to someone you love is to never lie. Everything that you tell your lover should be the truth, no white lies or stretched truths. If you have to invent something you have probably done something wrong and you should work right away to correct it. Finally you must show 'E'motion. Love is easily tarnished and the easist way that this is done is by the hiding of emotion. Love is an emotion that should never have to be hidden. You should always be able to tell the person you love that you love them. No matter how bad ass you are, to tell someone that you love them is something that you shouldn't have to think twice about. Emotion is what keeps a relationship going and you should never have to hide it. The greeks had four types of love Agápe, Philía, Storgé, and Éros shouldn't we in this century have five by now?

Big to Little

I have just been sitting here doing nothing (studying) and I happened to glance at a picture of my sister and I. For those of you who don't know, I have a sister who is 9 years old now. Honestly being an older brother has totally changed my life and I know that every older sibling can say the same thing. Just reminiscing on those old days I can only think about good memories about my sister. From the time when she was only a year old and I had to baby sit her and entertain her while my parents were out. How she followed me around and copied everything I did. These are the things I remember when I think back on my sister and honestly I can truly say that I love her. For all of you older siblings I know you can each remember times when your siblings followed you and worshiped the ground you walked on and I know that you smile at those moments because the older they get the less this happens and the more you miss them. You miss the times that you could have spent with them, but chose not to and now that those times are gone you wish you could go back in time and live those moments again. No doubt they annoyed you to death at some point in your lives, but (at least to my mind) those are times that I wouldn't trade for the world. For all those littles out there know that your brother/sister will always care about you. Don't take advantage of them and don't hold the past against them, they do the stupidest things to make up for it. Just take some time out of your day to talk and spend time with them. Bigs don't spoil the shit out of your siblings too much even though you want to. All I can say now is that I can't wait till my sister grows up and maybe realize how much her brother cares for her. And maybe one day we'll sit together when we're old and grown up and think back on our childhood together.