Whats really going on?

Everyone knows that the US is paranoid about getting attacked, but to what extent are they willing to protect themselves. They say that America has freedom, but for a country with so much freedom why are we always under surveillance. Think about it. It all started off with the anthrax scare. They found anthrax in the mail so now they check all packages and letters that come into the country and now we hear nothing about anthrax anymore. Next we move on to the WTC bombings. Terrorists come crash planes into one of Americas landmarks killing hundreds of people. How do they get all their messages to all their members? By phone of course. Now phone lines are under surveillance all the time looking for terrorist messages, but also picking up on all other conversations as well. What is americas real motives? Are they trying to protect their citizens or are they watching them? Is the war just a starting point in slowly taking control of the rest of the world? Who made America the police patrol of the world and why does it have the authority to create nuclear weapons when other countries do not? There are millions of theorys on what America has been doing and their reasons behind them, but I don't want to get into them. All I'm asking is how much the government is listening into our supposedly "private" lives.

Marriage?

What the hell is marriage? More and more I feel like I and everyone around me do not really understand what it means. Or is it that the meaning is changing in todays society? Here's the definition that I found on dictionary.com (sorry, I don't have a paper dictionary...christmas present?): "the state of being a married couple voluntarily joined for life (or until divorce)". Does anyone else find this definition a little contradictory? I mean think about it it says "joined for life" so doesn't that mean until you die, but wait what is that little bit on the end in parenthesis that says "or until divorce". Now this to me summarizes the state in which we view marriage. No, I'm not saying that divorce is a bad thing in all cases. What I am saying is that in todays society we use it as our get out of jail free card. Wedding is no longer as sacred as it was before. Before people went into marriage for life, for better or worse till death do us part, kind of life. Now people are making marriage as a kind of dating. Its like a: Yea I'm kinda liking you now, but if I get sick of you like my other 4 husbands I can always divorce you and take the house. Is this the way marriage was made to be? No I do not believe so. If we look back just 2 generations to our grandparents we usually see that they've been married and stayed together through thick and thin, and plan on going through the rest of thier lives together. Yet today divorce rates are up: "the proportion of marriages taking place right now that will eventually divorce, which has since been revised downward to roughly 43% by the National Center for Health Statistics but was moved back up to around 50% by the Census Bureau in 2002"(http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html). To me this shows that something is wrong in our concept of marriage and maybe even our concepts of love. Marriage is a thing that should be forever. It is a contract that, although is just on paper, should be a bond that lasts forever. It is a formal declaration that you want to spend your entire life with another person. Not just at the moments when that person does something sweet and sweeps you off your feet, but even when that person is the most disgusting thing you have ever seen in your life. Marriage should not be taken as a feeling that changes in time so that in two years you are saying "I don't want to be married to you any more", but a connection that does not depend on feelings, a commitment that lasts forever. That commitment says that you will always work at a relationship. What, you may ask, if you work at it and the other person does not? The simple answer is : just keep doing your part. Not everyone is willing to work at a relationship and in this day and age you are likely to be married to someone like this, but this does not mean that you should just discard your part in the marriage. If your partner does not want to work for the relationship thats his/her choice, but do not let it be you that does not work for it. You have no control over any one else's life but your own so do what you can and do not blame someone else. Marriage is a union of two souls and it should be taken seriously. It does not guarantee the changing youthful infatuation that you feel at the beginning of a relationship, but it solidifies and forms a deeper bond that is what is needed to bind two people together forever.

Stupidity, Sadness, and Sorrow

How can anyone say that the one thing that they do not want to be is their parents? Isn't that a totally contradictory thought to what most people believe. So why is it that I feel this way? I guess its not so much of a thing that I don't want to be them, because I have a lot of respect for them. But at the same time I do not want to make their mistakes. And it just seems like I have been making those mistakes whether I want to or not. My parents downfall is the thing that hurt me the most and I promised myself more than a hundred times I wouldn't do the same thing. But I was wrong. I was stupid and foolish to think that the world did not apply to me. To think that I could be above the world and live outside of it. How can a man ever aspire to live as a God? And it hurts me when I fall. The problem is is that it doesn't just hurt me, but it also hurts the ones I care about too. It hurts me to say that I lied, I cheated, and I hurt someone. I who have always striven to be the stronger man have fallen just as so many before me have as well. The shame I feel in my heart is nothing in comparison to the hurt that I have done to others, and how can I ever rebuild that trust. Everytime I look into their eyes I will see myself falling. The trust that I had so casually broken and thrown away I now long for more than ever and I realize how valuable it is. My heart is torn at the things that I have done and with my entire soul I beg for forgiveness and I repent for all that I have done. How can I lay my heart out anymore and show them the pain that is inside me. How can I expect them to trust me when I no longer trust myself. Just once let me take back the past and forever change the future, but of course this isn't possible. So I must try to pick up the fragile pieces of love that litter the floor; and hold them, hoping that one day they may be made whole once more.

--MC ~in the darkness of my heart~

L.O.V.E.

In the greek language there are several terms for what we have have compressed into a one. How have we, who are so advanced, compressed so many different emotions into one word? Is it possible to explain the feelings we feel for one another with one word. Or is it inadequate and have we just devolved into cavemen on the subject of love. Love is in all of us and we are all capable of loving someone. Whether it be a family member, a close friend, or a lover we were made with the capacity to love. But what does it mean to love? Especially in the context of a significant other? I believe that to love someone of the opposite sex it means that you must be 'L'oyal. If you love someone you should be able to give up everything for that person. When things get rough you shouldn't be ready to abandon that person and jump ship. No, the test of love is not being able to take a bullet for that person. The test is being able to stay with that person for the rest of your life. You should be able to 'O'verlook all that he/she has done to offend you. You shouldn't be looking at that person and staring at his/her flaws. You should be able to go through life knowing that everyone makes mistakes, but it is the fact that he/she isn't looking to intentionally hurt you. In love you must always be willing to forgive for these mistakes because you always see the ones that affect you, but you also always miss the ones that you do to them. In love there must always be 'V'erities. The eternal truth and unbroken law that should be upheld to someone you love is to never lie. Everything that you tell your lover should be the truth, no white lies or stretched truths. If you have to invent something you have probably done something wrong and you should work right away to correct it. Finally you must show 'E'motion. Love is easily tarnished and the easist way that this is done is by the hiding of emotion. Love is an emotion that should never have to be hidden. You should always be able to tell the person you love that you love them. No matter how bad ass you are, to tell someone that you love them is something that you shouldn't have to think twice about. Emotion is what keeps a relationship going and you should never have to hide it. The greeks had four types of love Agápe, Philía, Storgé, and Éros shouldn't we in this century have five by now?

Big to Little

I have just been sitting here doing nothing (studying) and I happened to glance at a picture of my sister and I. For those of you who don't know, I have a sister who is 9 years old now. Honestly being an older brother has totally changed my life and I know that every older sibling can say the same thing. Just reminiscing on those old days I can only think about good memories about my sister. From the time when she was only a year old and I had to baby sit her and entertain her while my parents were out. How she followed me around and copied everything I did. These are the things I remember when I think back on my sister and honestly I can truly say that I love her. For all of you older siblings I know you can each remember times when your siblings followed you and worshiped the ground you walked on and I know that you smile at those moments because the older they get the less this happens and the more you miss them. You miss the times that you could have spent with them, but chose not to and now that those times are gone you wish you could go back in time and live those moments again. No doubt they annoyed you to death at some point in your lives, but (at least to my mind) those are times that I wouldn't trade for the world. For all those littles out there know that your brother/sister will always care about you. Don't take advantage of them and don't hold the past against them, they do the stupidest things to make up for it. Just take some time out of your day to talk and spend time with them. Bigs don't spoil the shit out of your siblings too much even though you want to. All I can say now is that I can't wait till my sister grows up and maybe realize how much her brother cares for her. And maybe one day we'll sit together when we're old and grown up and think back on our childhood together.

Five Characteristics

There are a list of characteristics that every person has that he upholds in his life and in the life of those around him. These characteristics define him and the way he treats those around him. Here are mine.

Love: I believe in love. I believe that love bonds strangers together. Some may say that family is the strongest bond, but the reason that it is made strong is through love. Love can make you turn a friend into a spouse in turn making that person family. Love should be done with all your heart and never regretted.

Trust: Trust is a hard one. It is something fragile yet strong. Once I trust someone I trust them until the time that that trust has been broken. Trust should be given to all your friends and family until they prove that they are unable to handle it. I have put a lot of trust into those around me and it has lead to me getting hurt, but it has also forged bonds that could never have been made without that trust.

Loyalty: This is one of the biggest characteristics I hold to myself. Loyalty is something I hold in high esteem. It is something that I can not buy in people nor is it something that can be bought from me. Thus it has to be earned. It is a sign of respect that I give my loyalty to someone and once it has been given it is usually for life. Once someone has my loyalty they can count on me for just about anything.

Honesty: Always be honest. There is almost never a reason not to be honest. I'm not talking about being honest to the person next to you about how much you like their dress, but you shouldn't have to hide anything from someone. If you ever have to think twice about not being able to tell someone you trust and love something then you have a problem because you are hiding something that you have done that is wrong. I try to be honest and I hope people will be honest with me.

Forgiveness: Finally we come to forgiveness. Maybe the hardest of the five. It is hard to forgive someone for hurting you especially if that someone is someone you trust. But I truly believe in forgiveness. It is not good for the heart to keep a grudge and that means that we should forgive everyone who does something to us. And even the hardest things can be forgiven, believe me. But forgiveness must be complete and when you say you wipe the slate clean then mean it.

Where's the end?

Hmmm... well lately I've just been thinking about what is going to happen in my life. I know that this has probably been a big thought in all of your lives at one point or another. Where am I going? How will I get there? Can I make it? These thoughts flood my mind every time I open my eyes in the morning. The feeling that people depend on you is both strengthening and depressing. That people will choose to put faith in you is always a good feeling, but the idea that you might not live up to their expectations is a thought that scares me beyond words. I have always striven to live up to the expectations of others and along the way I feel like I have lost my own aspirations. In my sleep I no longer dream and my only thoughts of the future are as optimistic as a rainy monday morning. What have I given up to find a place where I want to go to? And who am I doing it all for? I feel like there's been something that I've missed in my life and am still unable to grasp. Where is my life leading me and I guess my biggest worry is who I will be with when I reach the end. Will there be someone for me to come home to?