Drowning in Regret

I don't know how this all happened. It all seems so unreal. A moment ago I was driving along the coast. It was all so beautiful. Just like in a movie. The sun was just touching the water and there was no one on the road. Just me and my car crusing along. It must have been the sun in my eyes. Yeah, that must have been it. You know how in the movies when a car goes over a cliff and falls into the ocean it explodes? Well I guess the movies aren't 100% true.

So here I am still in my car. I don't really remember what happened when I was in the air and when I hit the water. It was all so fast and so slow at the same time. I could see everything happening, but I just couldn't react to it. Something must be broken because I don't seem to be able to move. At first I tried to struggle, but my breath slowly trickled away. It was a little painful when I first pushed the air out of my lungs and sucked in the water, but now... now it's all so calm.

It's strange. I never thought it would end like this. I always thought I would die in my bed. When I was old and had already had a family. The thought of death never really entered my mind before then. But here I am. I guess it sucks that I have to die now. It's not just that I never really got started on my life, I think it's more that I regret never getting to close my life. I never really got to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell the people I cared about those final words that they might remember me by. Most of all, I never got to tell them that I loved them.

All my dreams of the future are washed away as I sink farther and farther. They say that your life flashes before your eyes before you die, but I guess that isn't true either. I wonder what I would have done differently if I would have known that today would be the day I died. It seems funny, but right now I am thinking about all the things that I thought were such a big deal before. All that working out. The studying. My petty worries about what it meant when the cute girl in front of me turned around and smiled at me. It's all so pointless now, and the only part of me that will be left is the one in peoples memories.

Its getting darker and I don't know if its the sun setting or

Why do you move the way you move?

Okay, after watching one of those sappy movies that plucks at our heartstrings and it being 1:25 AM I am ready to write another blog. What are our motives? What are our reasons for making our decisions? We make decisions out of love, hate, jealousy, pride, and the list goes on. Overall the list boils down to reasons that are self centered and those that are not. How many of us can say that the choices we make don't have self-centered origins? Do we help someone to get recognized? In all that we do are we just trying to show off instead of really helping? In a way I think a lot of the decisions that we make are because for ourselves. Not to say that there isn't the occasional good deed, but a lot of the things we do are for purely selfish reasons. Yes, there are going to be a lot of you who read this and say to yourselves that you do things purely for other people; and I can't disprove anything. I just ask you to look into it and really question yourself on why you do things. And even as I am a total pessimist on the way the world works. I think that we should be doing things just for the sake of goodness. I believe that this is the way we were created and the way the world should work. But I also know that this isn't the way most of the world works. I rarely see a good deed that is purely out of good intentions. Could this change? I am not really sure. I am sure the perfect world would have everyone doing things for the good of other people, but as for our world? It really is hard to say. Yet I do know that it is better for us to try than to not do anything at all.

What are we doing here?

Here I am again sitting in front of my computer at 1 am listening to music and telling myself that I need to sleep. I don't really know what it is that keeps me awake, but I've decided to write a short piece before I fall asleep. What is it that each and every one of us search for in life? What is it that drives us to complete college, get a job, work till we get old, and then lay down wondering if this sleep will be our last? What is it, and what should it be? Well I guess what drives each of us is different. Some strive for wealth. Others power. Fame. Family. The list goes on. No one really knows what it is that makes us live and finish our pointless little lives, for really thats what they are. Think about it. What do we leave behind when we die? You might say you leave behind your legacy through the memories of others, but seriously is it worth it? I mean chances are that you will not be remembered past one or two generations. At best you will be put down somewhere in the history books and have high school students memorize your name just so they can regurgitate it on a test paper. So what is the point of living? Earning money doesn't help you when you die. And die you shall. It's the one thing that we all have in common. The rich, the poor, whites, blacks they all die. There is no escaping it. So if we all know our inevitable end what is it that makes us wake up each morning and go on with our day? Personally I don't know. I mean I have my own things to look forward to in the future. Family. Friends. People who love me and I love. This is what I want from life and I'm sure some people want the same things, while others have different pursuits. But is that the right answer? What is it that we should be living for? Or is there even such a thing? An obvious answer that I might hear is that we should live for God. That we live to spread Jesus' word. But is that what we are really put on this earth for? Ask a Buddhist this and he will probably say no. It really is hard to say what we live for. Is there even a right answer? Look into yourself and ask what you are living for. What drives you? The answer might surprize you. If you come up with nothing, don't despair. I am sure you will find an answer if you give it time. I am sure life isn't pointless, just I am not sure what the point is and I doubt there is a universal answer for all of us. But hey, who knows. Right?